To Whom it May Concern:
I apologize for not keeping everyone updated in a way that is considered acceptable by you all. I have never done this before. Watching my father, my dad, die is not something one can be prepared for, consulted on, or figure out from reading a book (I am certainly not prepared for this). It's a steep learning curve. Especially when your dad is Rich- who doesn't want to play by the rules, or deviate in the slightest from his version of how things should unfold. My dad has always been there for me. He has defended me, protected me, and raised me to be the most caring, loyal and compassionate person he knew how. He raised me to be strong and self-sufficient. Every day I try to live up to his expectations. My dad has never asked anything of anyone. He has provided unconditionally for so many. He asked me to take care of him. He asked me to protect him. To defend him and to provide for him the safest, most comfortable environment to spend his dying. He trusts my judgement and so do I.
Compassion is a cultivated quality. There is a Buddhist philosophy, or thought, that states "love others from their point of view, in the little moments of time". I am trying with all my being to do that. Not to treat Dad how *I* would like to be treated, or look back and think "wow, overall, I think I'm doing a pretty good job", but to love him and treat him the way he wants to be loved and treated and respected with every bit of me. All the time. I am completely devoted to him in a way that I've never devoted myself to anything. And it is a humbling experience. My decisions are never made from ego, never made from a place of "easier" or "less stressful". They are made for him. No matter how excruciating. I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process, either- but I cannot control how others view me, or my actions. I'm no saint, and I am not capable, at this time in my life to nurture, support and love every being that I interact with in the ways they are needing- I have enough bodhichitta for Dad and (hopefully) my husband. I have a life that I am trying to manage in addition to the well being of my father, his estate and a multitude of friends that he has collected throughout the years that keep coming out of the woodwork. He has a huge network in the Bay Area, in addition to the Desert.
I don't have updates. I don't have anything to say. He's still dying from cancer. He's still a private person who doesn't want his life, and subsequently his death, broadcast to the general populous. (Yes, I am aware that none of you consider yourselves to be the general populous- you each have a unique and special bond with him that I am by no means attempting to belittle). Yet, when he doesn't want to talk on the phone with his own daughters, suffice it to say, he doesn't want to speak with anyone else, either. From what I understand (which dad has only recently shared with me) he gets headaches easily, and talking on the phone or even in person triggers those more often then not. Also, he doesn't have much to say. We spend most of our visits sitting next to each other in silence. He doesn't want to discuss his disease, and there isn't much else to talk about. Nor is he bottling his emotions up- he speaks openly and freely about his feelings and experiences with hospice, and that is how he likes it. He also doesn't want people to see him sick. There haven't been any drastic shifts or changes- there hasn't been anything to report. He hasn't slipped into his final decline yet, and, unfortunately that is what the next step is, and that is what we are waiting for because there is nothing else to do. It could happen tomorrow, it could happen next spring. I've no answers for anyone, but I have a lot of voice mails from people I've never even heard of. He is dying. And it is heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking for me and I know it is heartbreaking for all of you, as well. It breaks my heart open how many people truly love him. He is trying to live in the moment and enjoy each as it arises, and when those moments are painful or difficult, he is trying to experience those with as much grace as possible. I am proud of him. I am proud that he is not letting himself get wrapped up in the stigma of dying and all that it entails in our culture. I am proud of him for living and dying in his own way that is best for him. I am proud of his authentic nature. I think it's admirable. I think it's beautiful.
I will effort more to keep you updated through ***, and *** in hopes that it will ease this difficult time for everyone else that is being affected by his dying. Your prayers and well wishes will benefit all of us far more than frustrations towards my fumbling efforts to uphold my father's wishes ever could. I am trying my best and would appreciate, if this holiday season everyone could try and remember that we are all doing our best with the skills and tools that we have. This will be my last holiday with my dad and I would prefer to focus my energy on making it everything he wants (or doesn't want) it to be.
If there is a shift in his condition, or if his wishes change I will let you all know.
(That's all I could find to write.)
(That's all I could find to write.)
No comments:
Post a Comment